The air was warm, the sun shining brightly extending its finger like beams across the floor and the sound of tropical birds echoed through out that clammy cell that housed my friend and I for a night. I could hear whispers in the background, "Damaging Government property is a crime in this country and you tourists think you can do whatever you want."
My highschool friend Tom called me confirming that my ticket had been sucessfully booked for the tropical island of Mauritius off the coast of Africa. The appeal of beautiful women, a country surrounded by surfable beaches and more importantly a legal drinking age of 18 sounded like any graduating students' idea of paradise.
I opened my eyes only to see a vast nothingness, a concave of darkness, my head whirring around and the re-occurring flash of the tree haunted my mind. Gradually i was coming back to conciousness by the overhelming responses from my senses. I could see a black smoke rising from hood of the car, i could barely hear sirens over the high pitched ringing in my ears, the adrenaline that made me invicible faded away and the pain from the gash on my shoulder set in. The smell gasoline that now covered road had mixed with burnt rubber from slamming on the brakes to create a noxious aroma which didnt blend to well with the taste of baby powder and blood that had infiltrated my mouth due to the ever so reliable air bag.
Stepping foot off the plane the island was everything i hoped it would be provided by the tourist brouchers. The sun shining brightly and the water and sky as one. This lush landscap was ours for the taking or at least until his parent fly in 2 days later. We were left a house a car and enough spending money for a month at our expense. The placed seemed to be like God's hideaway when he needs from the world.
"Come with me sir", the police officer beckoned at a ever still shocked Tom. Cold, dark and lonely I sat on a tree stomp observing the mangled body of the small RX-3 wrapped around the tree and deer crossing sign meshed togethor. As the sun set and the police motorcycle road off the night time set in taking with it the warm air. The lush mountains sported their undeveloped landscape by hosting no street lights and its immense size blocking whatever natural light the overcast moon would have provided. This once masterpiece of work became one of Tim Burton's sick fantasies.
Damn deer is all I could think about as I heard the approaching siren. Even though we risked our lives to save a creature that is hunted here as game we are punished because we cant afford to pay back the sign we are held as felons until Tom's parent's arrive. I knew this place was to good to be true.
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2 comments:
I see that you the author are trying to tell an interesting story. You are using an experience you have had, and that does give your story a certain real or very descriptive effect.
I truly think that this essay is not in the usual format of a "This I Believe" essays. Also as I read your story I kind of got lost in how the story goes back and forth in each paragraph. I just think the author should look at what he/she is trying to do with her their essay a follow a certain format. However, I do like how the "To Good to be True" theme comes together in the end.
I would consider reading a few essays on the "This I Believe" website and trying to follow that kind of format. Also check on a few errors here and there, other than that the essay was done well.
I agree with the first responder that the main issue here is that this essay may not meet the criteria put out by the "This I Believe" organization. There's no clear thing that you beleive in here. This story might still serve as the basis of your essay, but the details should be chosen and brought forth to help point toward something you believe in.
I think what you are trying to do in telling the story is actually pretty sophisticated in that throughout you reveal elements of the story without simply blurting them out. The reader is brought into the story slowly and it leaves stuff to the reader's imagination.
The reader might be a bit disoriented, however, by the competing descriptions. The location goes from warm and sunny, to the U.S., to darkness, to stepping off a plane, to sitting on a stump. The fact that most of them are delivered in present tense adds to the disorientation. I wouldn't say you couldn't pull off such switching in time and locaion (plenty of authors do it), I'm just not sure you need all of them to tell the story.
It took me a while to figure out how you had "saved" the deer. Perhaps I was reading too quickly, or perhaps readers just won't be willing to guess so much at the underlying event.
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